


put your head on my shoulder

by tunakim



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: A sprinkling of angst, Fluff, M/M, No Spoilers, dont even need to tag it tbh, i listened to it the whole time i wrote, idk when this happens i just, if u want the full experience listen to:, implied sex, just in case, maybe around ep 6 @ ash's old house, paul anka's put yr head on my shoulder, sort of??, want it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 08:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16214984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tunakim/pseuds/tunakim
Summary: Ash wakes Eiji up in the middle of the night to dance with him. They don’t know how to dance and they keep stepping on each other’s feet, but it could never matter. For the first time, the night is theirs’, and no one else’s.(Or, Ash makes a sort of excuse to be alone with Eiji.)





	put your head on my shoulder

“Eiji. Wake up.”

Eiji slowly opened his eyes, breaking the hard crust that had formed in the corner of them. A hand had been on his shoulder, and his head was heavy. It was Ash’s voice, hushed and waiting. He rolled onto his back, and saw Ash’s silhouette crouched to the side of him. The whole room was blanketed in the dark of night, leaving only subtle outlines of Ash’s features. The only light was a bare white glow from the moon.

“Ash?” Eiji whispered, throat groggy. Ash held a finger up to his lips, and leaned in closer. 

“Follow me,” Ash murmured. Ash stood up, silent as a cat, and shifted around Eiji’s body as he began to peel himself off the floor. Eiji duly noted his knees and back cracking as he stood up, and felt strangely embarrassed. He was only 19, but he swore the years were creeping up on him, Eiji gave Ash a small, drowsy thumbs up, who nodded and began treading soundlessly out the ajar door.

Eiji padded his bare feet across the wooden stairs, subconsciously noting every creak in each step. The bottoms of his feet were sticky against the cool ground. Compared to him, Ash made no noise. It was like he was barely there. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he looked over his shoulder, and gave him a small smile. Eiji, even in his drowsiness, he beamed back at him. Ash held out his hand as Eiji reached the last step, and Eiji slipped his hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze.

Hand tight in Ash’s, Ash led him out the door and down the worn front steps. The night air was cold and sweet against Eiji’s warm, sleepy skin. He let as much air as possible fill his lungs, and then he exhaled fully, collapsing his breath into the chilled air. They ambled across the short grass without a word, and Ash just kept his fingers interlaced with Eiji’s, giving it a squeeze.

When Ash stopped, Eiji saw they were behind the house. It was just them at the clearing, save for a pair of humble, swaying trees. Eiji looked out into the blurry distance, in which the sky was unidentifiable from the horizon. He couldn’t remember the last time he had experienced such calm silence in the past couple weeks. It was undeniably peaceful.

“Sorry for waking you up like this.” Ash turned to him, a smile just born on the soft curve of his lips. Now that his eyes were adjusted, Eiji could see the delicate blur of pink on Ash’s pale skin. “I wanted to spend some time with you.”

“Me too,” Eiji admitted, drowsy but affectionate. “But it’s the middle of the night. We can spend time together during the day, you know.”

“I know,” Ash responded, sincere. “But not like this.”

He gave Eiji’s hand one last squeeze, and then took his hand away. He shrugged off his jacket, thick and loved, and scrunched it up in his hands. He let it fall into a heap on the ground next to them. As it hit the ground, a small poof dissipated out of the fabric.

“What are you doing?” 

Ash just reached behind him and pulled out a tape player from his jean pocket. It was old and worn with red paint chipped on the sides. He peered down to fiddle with it, cradling it like a baby in his hands. The hair tucked behind his ear slipped out, and Eiji reached out to tuck it back in. Ash’s eyes flickered towards him, and his eyes were smiling.

“This is something Griffin gave me for my 10th birthday,” Ash explained, voice distant with nostalgia. The tips of his fingers dragged over the round ridges of it thoughtfully. His nails filed between the spaces in the speakers. “I left it here, because it was too important to lose, and too important to bring with me.” He let out a puff of air, and pressed play, seemingly content. Eiji just watched him. The heartache was almost tangible, and Eiji could feel it pressed up against his chest. Then, Ash looked up. “Do you know how to dance, Eiji?”

“Ah, I don’t.” Eiji fretted, fingers picking the sides of his nails. “Never really had anyone to dance with. Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Ash replied easily. “I guessed as much.”

“Hey,” Eiji whined, and Ash just laughed through his nose. “Do you know how to dance?”

“Well, no.” Eiji snorted, rolling his eyes. Ash made no comment, and took Eiji’s hand in his right. He laced their fingers back together like a repaired rip in a favorite shirt. “But we can make do.”

With a small spark of static, music began to roll out of the tape player, gentle and lofty. It was a man’s deep voice, words in love and sentimental. The tiny butterfly under Eiji’s ribs fluttered. Ash rested his other hand on Eiji’s hip, and Eiji thought it okay to put his on Ash’s shoulder. If it was wrong, neither of them knew, and neither of them cared.

“Are we gonna dance?” Eiji grinned.

“I sure hope so,” Ash said, and Eiji laughed, airy and free. The stars looked brighter than usual. “I’ve always wanted to do this with someone.”

“Anyone?” 

“Course not,” Ash replied simply, and it made Eiji’s heart swell. “Only with someone I liked.”

“Good for me that you like me, then,” Eiji chuckled, and Ash’s lips quirked in a smile. He leaned forward to momentarily touch Eiji’s forehead with his. His forehead was warm. “I’d worry for our relationship,” he pondered. 

“Damn, me too.”

Ash stepped to the left, and then to the right, so Eiji followed suit, swaying with him. They went back and forth, sometimes scraping the side of each other’s feet. Eiji ended up just staring at the ground to make sure he matched his feet with Ash’s. In the process, he bonked his head against Ash’s chin multiple times. Eiji couldn’t resist laughing.

“We’re really, really bad at this.” Eiji felt the edge of a giggle in his throat. “Really, really bad.”

“You just noticed?” Ash replied. The beat was gentle, so as were their steps, but nonetheless, Eiji felt like he was floating. Surely, the dark blurred his surroundings, but it was like there was vignette on his vision to focus on the boy in front of him.

“I don’t even think this is considered dancing,” Eiji thought aloud. “Fancy walking, maybe.”

“You see people walk like this? Damn, where you from?” Ash scoffed, and Eiji laughed again, kneeling his head down. “Shit, sorry.” He scraped the side of Eiji’s foot, and if Ash hadn’t been holding by him by hip, Eiji would’ve likely tripped. He had come close many times before.

“It’s okay, I’ll return the favor,” Eiji grinned toothily. Eiji knew neither of them were able enough to do anything more complex, and even if they did, they wouldn’t know how. Eiji liked that they were so incapable, somehow. It was refreshing to be simple. 

As they reached midway through the chorus, Eiji let out a soft ah. “My mom used to listen to this all the time,” Eiji explained. An image of his mom, measuring water in the rice cooker and humming, flashed in his mind. “She vaguely knew the lyrics since she didn’t really understand English.” Ash hummed in acknowledgement. “This is a sweet song.”

“It is,” Ash agreed. “It’s sort of sappy, though. Really sappy.”

“Didn’t you pick this song, though?” Eiji asked.

“When I was younger, yeah.” 

“Too embarrassing for you now?” Eiji teased.

“Hah, no,” Ash said, rolling his eyes. Eiji couldn’t stop himself from pecking him on the cheek. “Why? Didn’t expect me to like these sort of songs?”

“Not at all,” Eiji chuckled. “Just never pegged you as the romantic type.”

“A lot has changed for me since I was little,” Ash said off-handedly, but Eiji knew what he meant. He tightened his grip on Ash’s hand as silent acknowledgement, and there was a flash of a small, almost insecure smile on Ash’s face. “I don’t really listen to this music as much anymore.”

“Anymore?”

“Mhm,” Ash hummed. He elaborated no more, and Eiji decided to let it be. It was another story for another day. “Just not as much, though. So prepare yourself.”

“Oh no, how unfortunate,” Eiji said, sarcastic, and Ash snickered. 

The next couple songs Eiji didn’t recognize, but he liked them. They were soothing and sweet, just like the first one. Eiji kneeled his head in the crook of Ash’s neck, and he could feel the rise and fall of Ash’s breaths. His mind was awake again, but it was still as if he was drifting through a vivid dream. Nothing could reach them here.

“I thought you were gonna kill me for waking you at such a damn hour,” Ash mused to himself. Eiji could feel the vibrations of his words. “But here I am.”

“But here you are,” Eiji echoed, the ghost of a smile on his lips. “I wouldn’t kill you over something like this.”

“Promise?”

“Maybe,” Eiji said, and Ash pouted. “I was still surprised, though. You didn’t even tell me.”

“That was the point,” Ash said. “Then you wouldn’t have been able to sleep at all.”

“I would have!” Eiji frowned, and squinted at Ash when he looked away, smirking. “Do you have no faith in me?”

“Sure I do,” Ash said, and Eiji pouted. “But keeping it a secret is more fun anyway.” He paused. “And we both know you would’ve been too excited.”

“Fine, you can think that,” Eiji sniffed. Ash snorted, and leaned in to press his lips against his cheek. Eiji closed his eyes briefly, and melted at Ash’s touch. “It is nice to be with you like this,” he admitted quietly.

“M’glad,” Ash murmured, and pecked Eiji on the cheek again. “Now go back. You were keeping me warm.”

“Jerk,” Eiji sniffed, resting his head down, and he heard Ash’s carefree laughter straight from his chest.

Eiji lost track of how many songs had passed. They had settled to just rock back and forth in one spot, and Eiji was floating. Everything in the world had stopped, and they would sway here forever, hidden under the stars’ eyes. 

Falling in love so deeply was new to him. He wasn’t all familiar with this sort of love, so self sacrificing and returning, but it came naturally from him. He could hear himself badgering himself in the back of his head, saying that he was young and foolish, but damn, if it didn’t feel good. It felt so liberating to give and be given back to deeply, and he was going to keep it as long as God would allow. 

“To be honest, Eiji, I didn’t know when we would ever get to do this,” Ash said quietly into his ear. “I don’t know when we’ll be able to do this again.” If ever, Eiji heard in the wind. “But I wanted to take it while we have the chance.”

“I’m happy you did,” EIji said honestly. Ash’s face was dark in the night, but Eiji could see the softness of his expression. “I’m really happy. Are you?”

“Infinitely,” Ash said, and Eiji leaned in to kiss him. 

Ash’s lips were velvet, and careful against his own. Ash tilted his head back, leaning back into his touch. Eiji’s chest burned from being full to the brim of adoration, and he had the urge to gasp for air. Surely, he wasn’t drowning, but it seemed as such, and somehow, it was wonderful. With Ash, it was a delight to drown.

“I am a lucky man,” Ash thought aloud, murmuring against the ghost of Eiji’s mouth. 

“Lucky boy,” Eiji corrected, leaning back. Ash made a face.

“Do I seem like a little boy to you?”

“Well, yeah.” Ash stuck his tongue out at him. “I’m joking, joking!”

“Sure you are,” Ash rolled his eyes. Eiji stopped himself from kissing him again. “But, really. I am.”

“A boy?”

“Smartass,” Ash remarked, pinching Eiji on the nose, who yelped. “That’s not what I meant. I just really am lucky.” His eyes, emerald and full of affection, were glassy, even in the dark. 

“...How so?” Eiji prompted, raising his eyebrows. “Honestly, I didn’t expect to hear you say that.”

“Well.” Ash looked down. “I have you.” 

Eiji breathed in, parting his lips to stay something, but no words came. Without a word, he just squeezed Ash’s hand, making him meet his eyes. Ash looked almost nervous, or as nervous as he could look. Eiji ran his thumb over Ash’s palm, hoping the intention would translate.

“I think that’s my line,” Eiji said quietly. “I’m not much. All I have to offer is a dead career and someone who can’t shoot a gun.” He smiled, expression melancholic. “Yet, you still took me.”

“...” Ash paused, staring at him for a split second. “You really are a strange one, Eiji. What kind of boy would say that to a criminal like me?”

“Well, one, I’m older than you,” Eiji started, “and you’re no criminal to me.”

“If I’m not considered a man, then the same goes for you,” Ash reasoned, and Eiji just rolled his eyes. His voice was joking, but his eyes were soft, almost fragile. Eiji wanted to hold him. “Thank you,” he whispered, almost so quietly that it was almost swept away by the breeze. Eiji just nodded, pressing his lips to the corner of his mouth.

Somewhere along the line, the music had ended, and it was just them, standing with each other. Eiji could hear his own heartbeat in his ears. He closed his eyes, nuzzling his face into the crook of Ash’s neck. He felt Ash inhale sharply, and then exhale, chest deflating gradually. The wind wavered through the roots of Eiji’s hair, flipping it up for just a moment. It looped through the back of his shirt and out the neck, creating a shiver up his spine. 

“Cold?” Ash asked.

“Sorta,” Eiji shrugged.

“Where?”

“Just on my back. I’m okay--oh!” Eiji flinched as Ash’s warm hands crawled up his back, flattening his palms on his cold skin. “Oh. Oh.” Eiji held his breath as he memorized the feeling of Ash’s finger trail up his back, and he shivered again, but for different reasons. Eiji leaned back into Ash, wrapping his hands around his waist. He held his hands together by the link of his fingers.

“Better?”

“Mmf,” Eiji said, face muffled in Ash’s shoulder. Damn this man.

“You’re really cold. Why didn’t you say something?” 

“Mmph.”

Ash chuckled lowly, and dragged his palms delicately across the small of Eiji’s back. The tips of his fingers tapped down his spine until they reached the bottom. Eiji subconsciously held his breath, swallowing thickly. He traced the hemline of Eiji’s pajama pants, and stopped. 

“Okay?” Ash murmured. 

“Yeah,” Eiji whispered.

Ash breathed out, and then wrapped his arms tighter around Eiji until there was no room for him to go. Eiji squeaked. He attempted to squirm, but gave up easily (it’s not like it was much of something to fight against). He leaned back in, resting the crook of his elbows on Ash’s waist. His face was burning.

“We should go back to bed,” Eiji said, voice barely there.

“We should,” Ash echoed. His hands began to move again, palms resting on Eiji’s stomach. Eiji gulped, and shivered. His stomach was cold against Ash’s hot hands. “Should I stop?” He questioned, voice full of genuinity. 

“It’s okay,” Eiji said. “Can I…” His eyes looked up at Ash, whose hair was tousled by the breeze. Ash’s eyes were bright and blue and so alive. Eiji was rather in love with him. Eiji watched Ash stare back at him, lips parted.

Ash blinked, and then nodded once.

“You’re positive?” Eiji asked again, and Ash nodded again. Eiji stared at him, looking for a flicker of hesitation, but there was none. “...Okay.”

Eiji gently pushed Ash’s hands back down, holding him gently by the wrists. He swallowed, and begged his hands to stop trembling. He lowered his hands to Ash’s waist, and snuck his fingers under the bottom of his shirt. He trailed his fingers along Ash’s hipbone, absentmindedly noting the bump there. Ash kept his lips sealed together, silent as Eiji explored Ash’s sides with his hands.

“Do you want to go inside?” Ash asked suddenly, quite breathless. Eiji had just pushed his hands up higher, gently thumbing over his ribs. Ash’s face was flushed, and Eiji could see it, even if the darkness.

It was an invitation, and Eiji picked up on it immediately. Unwillingly and without warning, a hot air balloon rose in his chest, filling it with raw, sensitive love. Eiji gradually dipped his hands back down until they rested on Ash’s hipbone again. Eiji felt honored like none other, and promised himself he would never let anyone touch Ash ever again. He wished he could voice it, but the words just wouldn’t arrive. They all stewed in his chest, thick and real.

“Sure,” Eiji breathed back, saying nothing more.

Eiji let his hands fall to the side, and subconsciously reached out to grab Ash’s hand. Ash nodded, picked up his stuff, and kept his pinky linked to Eiji’s the whole back inside.

. . .

When Eiji woke up, the morning lights were dim outside.

He blinked once, and then twice. He looked to his side to saw Ash, eyes closed deep in a dream. Eiji breathed in, and then out. Ash’s chest rose and fell with his breathing, and everything in the world felt very still.

Eiji just laid still, watching Ash exist each slow second. He’s beautiful, Eiji thought sleepily, and shifted to curl in closer into Ash’s sleeping figure. He nestled his head right on top of Ash’s shoulder, and traced the glow of every blonde strand with his eyes. Absentmindedly, he reached out and tapped a flyaway strand with the tip of his finger. 

Oh, Ash. Eiji swore his heart couldn’t handle every emotion that glowed inside when he looked at him. He worried that if he were say how much he loved Ash, then everything else would come spilling out. All the worries, all the regrets, all the sweet nothings, and the promises he wanted to keep. Sometimes, he just wanted that to happen, so he wouldn’t have to carry such a burden.

Eiji let his hand fall on Ash’s bare chest. Last night, when they had come in, they tumbled into bed, comforted by the thick blankets. Eiji had never seen so much of Ash’s skin at once, and it was surely stunning. Eiji could still replay, reel by reel until it was over, and it would repeat again. The memory of feeling Ash’s heartbeat on his chest was overwhelmingly vivid, He thought about how Ash had kissed every spot on his neck, one by one, until he reached his collarbone. A sense of pink dreaminess warmed him just remembering it.

Eiji knew those times were scarce, and he knew that what they had didn’t work normally. He knew that. Even though he would long for these same moments, calm and intimate, he understood where they were. He understood that these moments were few and far between.

That’s why he kept his eyes open a little longer, taking it in, before closing them again to fall into a restful slumber, right next to the one he held dear.

**Author's Note:**

> wow! if you got this far, thank you so much! I really am lovin' banana fish, i wrote this around when episode 6 came out??? just got to post it tho yahoo
> 
> if u liked it please leave a comment! or if just a "hell yea babey!!" 
> 
> find me on tumblr @tuna-kim!! i also just retweet bf stuff on @tunaqueen_ if u want to find me there!


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